LOS ANGELES — December 23 — In what experts are already calling “the strangest beauty mystery since contouring,” Billie Eilish reportedly woke up Tuesday morning to discover every single eyelash had vanished, as if erased overnight by a very tiny, very determined barber.
According to completely unreliable “sources close to the situation” (a friend of a friend who once stood behind her at a coffee shop), the Grammy-winning artist initially assumed it was just a trick of the light. That theory was quickly abandoned when she blinked, squinted, blinked again, and realized her eyes felt “weirdly aerodynamic.”
A Break-In… But Make It Bizarre
The alleged incident took a turn from odd to unhinged when someone noticed what appeared to be hair clippers left behind — not stolen, not broken, just… placed. Perfectly. On a nightstand. Like a calling card.
No jewelry missing.
No doors damaged.
No motive discovered.
Just zero eyelashes and a set of clippers set to “pet grooming.”
Authorities were not contacted, mostly because no one knew how to phrase the report without laughing.
“I’ve heard of eyebrow theft,” said one totally real, definitely licensed beauty analyst. “But this? This is next-level niche crime.”
The Internet Reacts (Of Course It Did)
Within minutes of the rumor hitting the timeline, fans launched a full-scale investigation:
- #LashGate began trending worldwide
- TikTok detectives slowed down old interviews looking for “pre-clip vibes”
- One Reddit thread confidently blamed “Big Mascara”
Several fans praised the mystery culprit for their “precision,” while others demanded justice for what they’re calling “a hate crime against glam.”
Billie’s “Response”
In a statement that was almost certainly never made, Eilish reportedly told friends she’s “kind of into it” and is considering making the eyelash-free look her entire personality for 2026.
Sources claim she briefly experimented with drawing eyelashes on using a Sharpie, but abandoned the idea after realizing it made her look like a surprised cartoon cat.
What Happens Next?
Experts predict three possible outcomes:
- A surprise album titled No Lashes, No Problems
- A sudden spike in eyelash-serum sales
- Nothing at all, because this story is completely fake
At press time, the clippers have not been identified, the eyelashes have not been recovered, and beauty influencers are already calling it “iconic.”