SYRACUSE, NY — In a fiery late-night statement that left both geopolitical analysts and Upstate New Yorkers deeply confused, Donald Trump demanded that the city of Syracuse “open the f***ing Erie Canal immediately,” claiming the long-standing waterway is “a major choke point in international trade” and “honestly, probably bigger than the Strait of Hormuz — nobody talks about it.”
Speaking to reporters from what appeared to be a golf cart parked near a decorative pond, Trump insisted that Syracuse officials were “playing games” with global oil supply routes.
“You’ve got ships, big ships — tremendous ships — trying to get through, and Syracuse? Closed. Totally closed. It’s a disgrace,” Trump said. “Back in my day, canals were open. Wide open. You didn’t have this nonsense.”
Local officials were quick to clarify that the Erie Canal has, in fact, been open for recreational and limited commercial use, and that it has not been a primary artery for global oil transport since roughly the mid-1800s.
Still, Trump doubled down.
“Don’t give me that. I’ve seen maps. It connects everything. Lakes, oceans — it’s all water. Water connects. That’s just science.”
Residents along the canal appeared divided. Some expressed confusion, while others leaned into the moment.
“I mean, if oil tankers start rolling through here, I guess business will be booming,” said one Baldwinsville resident, casually watching a kayak drift by. “Might need to widen a few bridges though.”
Meanwhile, a group of Syracuse locals gathered near the canal with handmade signs reading “LET THE SHIPS THROUGH” and “MAKE CANALS GREAT AGAIN,” though several admitted they were “just here for the vibes.”
Experts in international trade attempted to explain the situation, noting that the Strait of Hormuz is one of the world’s most critical oil chokepoints, whereas the Erie Canal is primarily used for leisure boating, tourism, and the occasional confused duck.
Trump, however, remained unconvinced.
“Look, all I’m saying is this — if Syracuse doesn’t open it up, we may have to open it ourselves. And we’re very good at opening things. The best.”
As of press time, Syracuse officials confirmed they had no immediate plans to accommodate international oil tankers, but did note they were “open to discussions” regarding additional paddleboat traffic.
This article is very obviously satire and should not be taken seriously. They quotes are made up, the situation is made up, the website is made up.