SYRACUSE, NY — In a ceremony described as “historic, heartfelt, and moderately self-aware,” Syracuse University College of Law unveiled a formal portrait Tuesday honoring President Joe Biden—not of the man himself, but of the mechanical autopen widely credited with handling his signature duties.
The portrait, which now hangs prominently in a hallway alongside past distinguished alumni, depicts the autopen in dramatic lighting, poised mid-signature over what appears to be a stack of executive orders and commemorative certificates.
“This device represents consistency, efficiency, and frankly, incredible wrist stamina,” said one university official during the unveiling. “We felt it was time to recognize the full team effort.”
Attendees at the event included faculty, students, alumni, and at least one confused maintenance worker who reportedly thought it was a copier dedication.
The ceremony featured speeches praising Biden’s decades-long connection to Syracuse, as well as a brief technical demonstration of the autopen itself, which drew polite applause after successfully signing three blank sheets of paper in under six seconds.
“You watch it work, and you realize—this is leadership,” said one law student. “Or at least… delegation.”
Critics questioned the decision, arguing that honoring a machine may set a strange precedent. Supporters, however, pushed back.
“Look, in law, it’s all about the signature,” said a professor. “Whether it’s a pen, a person, or a highly sophisticated robotic arm… the result is what matters.”
The portrait’s plaque reads:
“In recognition of unwavering service, precise execution, and never once cramping under pressure.”
As of press time, the university confirmed that a second portrait—this one of Biden himself—is still under consideration, though sources say it may depend on “availability and scheduling.”
This article is obviously satire and Biden was actually honored with a portrait of himself at the Syracuse College of Law.