SYRACUSE, NY — In what officials are calling a “bold leap forward in aquatic imagination,” the Harborview Aquarium announced Tuesday that it is actively recruiting volunteers to serve as mermaids for its upcoming live exhibit.
According to organizers, the program—titled “Mysteries of the Deep (But Like, Local)”—will feature human volunteers dressed as mermaids swimming gracefully through a specially designed tank, waving to children, and “occasionally looking mysterious near decorative rocks.”
“We wanted something that really captivates the community,” said one aquarium spokesperson. “And what’s more captivating than a grown adult in a tail, making prolonged eye contact through glass?”
The aquarium is currently seeking applicants with “strong swimming skills, a flair for performance, and the ability to hold their breath long enough to create mild concern among onlookers.” Prior experience as a mermaid is preferred but not required.
Volunteers will be expected to perform multiple daily “swim sets,” during which they will glide through the water, pose for photos, and subtly ignore children tapping aggressively on the glass.
“It’s not just swimming,” said the program director. “It’s storytelling. It’s artistry. It’s pretending you don’t hear a 6-year-old yelling ‘ARE YOU REAL?’ for six straight minutes.”
Costumes will be provided, including custom-fitted tails, themed accessories, and what the aquarium describes as “just enough waterproof makeup to survive the first 12 minutes.”
While the position is unpaid, volunteers will receive perks such as free admission, complimentary towels, and “the unmatched prestige of being one of Central New York’s premier aquatic beings.”
Local reaction has been mixed.
“I mean, I respect it,” said one Syracuse resident. “But I also have questions. Mostly about logistics. And oxygen.”
Others are already lining up.
“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” said one applicant, who declined to elaborate further before attempting a dry-land dolphin dive.
The aquarium confirmed that if the mermaid exhibit is successful, they may expand into additional roles, including “river nymphs,” “mysterious lake spirits,” and “that one guy who just kind of floats there like driftwood.”
Auditions begin next week. Applicants are encouraged to bring a swimsuit, a positive attitude, and “a willingness to fully commit to the bit.”
This article is obviously satire, please do not expect mermaids at the Harborview Aquarium.